i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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