Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
