my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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