I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
