sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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