New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just high enough for therapy.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
