I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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