everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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