i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
