i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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