Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Everclear isn't food dammit
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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