Your face is a jimmy john
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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