my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
