he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
