Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Drunk is not a location!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
