After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
