I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
