Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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