Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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