she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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