There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
