Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
