After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
