There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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