I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
