Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
