So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
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It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
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I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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