My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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