We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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