I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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