apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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