my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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