If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
FUCK WHALES
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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