Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
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Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
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Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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