just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
