I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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