I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
