why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
