Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
