mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
