i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
