Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
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I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
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in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i think i just lost a toe
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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