omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
