her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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