I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
