The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
