So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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