you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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