dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
