I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
don't judge my taste in strippers
So much Jack, so little girl.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
