'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
