I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
