awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
