just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We're too hungover to prance.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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