Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
do nipples grow back?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
