hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So apparently I’m into choking now
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