I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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