Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
